Monday, September 12, 2011

Understanding How People Behave in Inter-Personal Relationships

Psychologists define behaviour as an organism's response to internal or external stimulation. This definition shows that before behaviour is emitted there must be stimulation, then the responses to the stimulation is the behaviour. The main focus here is not about stimulation but about what determines how we respond to such stimulation.

A good observer will notice that he/she behaves differently from others. Somebody may slap you and you walk away but when he slaps another the person fight ensues. This is just one in a million examples of how we respond differently to the same stimulus. Then you begin to wonder why is it so? Why can't everybody behave the same way?

The first explanation to this is the theory of individual differences. This stipulates that no two persons are the same. It may sound weird but it is true. Starting from physical attributes; no two persons have the same finger prints. In behavioural attributes no two persons behave the same way, even homogeneous twins. Different twin studies have proven it beyond every reasonable doubt. These differences are mainly caused by two factors, namely; nature (heredity) and nurture (environment/experience). The genetic make up of an individual serves as the behavioural blueprints. It lays the foundation of the individual's behaviour. There is little or no control over this because it's congenital. The second factor which is nurture is our experiences from the environment. This is a very vital determinant of behaviour. When a child is born, it is exposed to the environment. As he/she grows up they get integrated into the norms and values of the society through the process of socialization. These include learning from the family, peers, schools, churches etc. All these agents of socialization shape the behaviour of the child. There is still an ongoing controversy among experts in Psychology on which contributes more to the formation of behaviour between nature and nurture, but that is not our focus here.

Having explained the building blocks of behaviour, it is now due to relate it to interpersonal relationships. Over 6 billion people in the world today behave differently. The above analogy on the determinants of behaviour has established to some extent why we behave differently. In interpersonal relationship, there are series of conflicts and misunderstandings between couples, brothers, sisters, friends, associates, countries etc. These conflicts arise because we misunderstand one another. We always expect others to behave like us or behave as we expect. Couples that have lived together for many years wake up one day and divorce. Brothers all of a sudden became sworn enemies. Countries that have existed mutually hitherto, began to wage war against one another. These are caused by expecting others to change for us and getting frustrated or even, if they don't.

We cannot be the same. Psychology has given us the reason why we cannot behave alike. There is no way people who live together can have the same life style. Not because you don't drink or smoke, therefore anybody who smokes or drinks is a fool or an enemy. Note that because we have different genes and experiences, your likes or dislikes can never be another person's likes or dislikes. When we begin to understand this, then we will have no problem relating with others. This is not to say that people are free to commit crime or engage in other evil activities because nature or nurture made them so. That notwithstanding, that is why I have never been an advocate of capital punishment.

Serious offenders can still be useful through the process of sublimation. This a defense mechanism used to channeled a person with aggressive behaviour into appropriate area where such behaviour will be an asset or socially acceptable. For instance, the famous boxer Mike Tyson was a street nuisance but when he became a boxer, he used his aggressive nature to achieve a great fit in boxing. Imagine the level of patriotism and dedication a suicide bomber will exhibit if his orientation is changed and he becomes a soldier. It is noteworthy that the process of sublimation requires the services of experts in the field to make it effective.

Once we understand that we are different from others. Our wives, sisters, brothers, friends, neighbours etc. cannot always do what we like; then we will stop having problems with them. We should not be expecting others to change for us. We have to accept them the way they are.